I have claimed that dick since the Micky Mouse Club.   

anne-punchmeintheface:

#I NEVER REALIZED HOW FUNNY THIS WAS UNTIL TODAY #LIKE HE’S FUCKING RUNNING AWAY FROM AN OGRE #BUT HE’S FOLLOWING THE PATH SET UP BY THE LITTLE BARRIER #AND SHREK JUST BUSTS THROUGH #BUT HE’S STILL RUNNING THROUGH ALL ORDERLY #LIKE I JUST LAUGHED FOR A FEW MINUTES STRAIGHT AT THIS #THEN HE FALLS OVER BECAUSE HIS FUCKIN HEAD’S TOO BIG #THE COMEDY OF THE SITUATION IS #HE SEES THE OGRE #HE’S WEARING A BULKY HEAD #HE COULD JUST DITCH THE HELMET #AND SPRINT THROUGH KNOCKING OVER THE BARRICADES #BUT HE KEEPS THE FUCKIN HELMET ON #AND RUNS IN AN ORDERLY WAY #THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS 

“I hope Nikki Minaj sing “Stupid Hoe” in front of this white audience & set us back 100 years”

friend: someone told me you look like an owl
me: who?
the whole class bursts into a roaring flame of laughter. tears start to fall from their eyes from laughing so hard. the principal walks in the room and slaps his knee. the local animals come in and create waves of laughter. god is laughing so hard he cant breathe. jesus starts clapping his hands and cracking up. the laughter dies down after about 2 hours, and everybody goes home with the memory of the funniest joke they've ever heard.

“Celebrities like to show a lot of cleavage nowadays”

*shows a picture of Demi, Katy Perry, Rihanna, & Beyonce*

©